[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
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Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss