media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
You Might Also Like
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro