i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
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There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.