the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
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Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.