it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
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As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
This rocks
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force