I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
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husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing