I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
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I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.