*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
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My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
A woman drives into a bar.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it