Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
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Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*