Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
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*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.