Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
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Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.