first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
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The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.