“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
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“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
do horses think humans are hats
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
reminder
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Thrilling chase underway
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?