I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
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{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”