I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
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A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!