Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
You Might Also Like
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
“you changed” bro i was 15
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.