BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
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I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
My wife gives the best headache.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster