Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
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I wish gyms had a “montage” option
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.