There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
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My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Thoughts
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
j o i m p
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE