My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
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oh no, steve’s working tonight
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too