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Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
You wish you had this many chins.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.