I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
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earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Sticker placement is key.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold