What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
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Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Green is just blue that someone peed in
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too