It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
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Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude