I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
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Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
Finally!
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.