Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
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Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind