The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
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Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
Attacked by a mop.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
I need better friends
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat