Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
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People buying plungers never look happy.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
I hope it’s French Onion!
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them