getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
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*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
I don’t make the rules sorry
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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christening a ship with an overripe banana
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.