ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
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DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
translated into Canadian
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist: