Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
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I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
tourist season
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
same vibe as tangled headphones
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*