Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
You Might Also Like
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
happy friday
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…