Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
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Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
I occasionally drink every single night.
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter