I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
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When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.