Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
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NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
🚲+physics = winner
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance