god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
You Might Also Like
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*