“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
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*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Happy Taco Tuesday
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”