Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
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Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Who did it better?
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.