[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
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One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”