FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
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I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.