The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
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Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Facebook memories be like
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone