Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
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Monica just destroyed the internet
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.