Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
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interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Fight
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
i spent way too long on this
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
I just tested negative for patience.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
where the womens at?