There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
You Might Also Like
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it