[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
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ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.