If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
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A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.