Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
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*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”