Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
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Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
lmfao come on
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
🍛
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.