Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
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Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Nothing.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.