My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
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I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?